Gentle Grandmas versus Grumpy Grandpas

“When you are old and grey and full of sleep

And nodding by the fire, take down this book,

And slowly read, and dream of the soft look

Your eyes had once and of their shadows deep”

― W.B. Yeats, The Collected Poems of W.B. Yeats

 

“You know how calm and tranquil Raghu was and you have said so many times that he is the incarnation of patience and tranquillity. All this changed after he crossed his 70^th birthday, the change was very gradual, a bit of impatience, a little more irritation and after the 75^th birthday, I noticed a great change in his personality. He has become the “Angry old man” (similar to Amitabh Bacchan in “Kabhi Khushi Khabi Gum” or “Gulabo Sitabo”). His behaviour has changed so much and he is becoming difficult to live with”, sobbed my friend Aparna over the phone. I tried my best to console her because I knew them both and could not believe her. I was quite surprised since the Raghu, I knew seldom lost his temper with either the wife or the children.  I was speaking to another common friend about this and she burst out with her long tale of woe regarding her husband.

I became curious and spoke to several of my friends and realized that “The Angry/Dictatorial/Grumpy/Prejudiced Old Man” was not a singular event but a regular happening in many households. Complaints about older women were also shared but their number was less. The older women in Literature and media are either smiling sweetly with perpetual knitting or crochet in their hands (Mrs Wilson in Dennis the Menace) or crusty crones cackling like witches (Grandma in George’s Marvellous Medicine by Roald Dahl). This is quite different from the grouchy old men portrayed in many Hollywood movies like “Up”, in cartoons (who does not remember Mr Wilson in “Dennis the Menace”), King Lear in Shakespeare’s play and in the novel A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman and so many others. It is now well known that grumpiness during old age is not just a stereotype but a way of life.

A recent survey conducted among 1000 Britons indicated that women and men have equal chances for the top position as a curmudgeon.  I was intrigued about this whole phenomenon of personality change related to old age.  “Irritable male syndrome”, is the term used to describe a rise in the crotchetiness of older men and the term was coined by Carol Wyer, a British author of the interesting book “How not to murder your Grumpy”.

Actually speaking, there is less likelihood of older people being more irritable or unpleasant compared to anyone else. Research indicates that on the whole, their natural inclination is towards contentment and patience due to a factor called the Positivity Effect, which causes older people to forget the bad. Having retired they do not have to contend with dictatorial bosses or run around doing errands for demanding offspring.  Evidence shows that men are better able to manage angst and pressures until the 65^th birthday and are usually excited at the start of their superannuation. They have fewer worries to speak of but they tended to feel less euphoric five years later due to their health, memory and loss in their lives. The results of a research project that followed 1,300 men over a period of 15-years showed that on an average when men turn 70, their happiness diminished and they became cross and cranky.  What is behind this grumpiness or grouchiness? There are two major reasons for the crabbiness of older people – physiological and psycho-social changes.

Among the physiological changes, hormonal drop plays a major role in affecting the mood of older people. Testosterone levels decline as men age and this has a deleterious effect on emotional vitality causing anger, depression, irritability, anxiety and feelings of insecurity. In women levels of estrogen as also, prolactin tend to decline and this leads to change in the production of endorphins or the “feel-good” chemicals affecting their emotional well being. There are very many changes in almost all systems of the body from top to toe and very often older persons suffer from a lot of pain. Even simple tasks like dining out; visiting friends or shopping become a chore and a burden to the old people. It becomes irksome because they suddenly have to depend on younger persons, who may with all good intentions still trigger feelings of insecurity.

Psycho socially a feeling sets in that they are no longer useful; this is a serious factor especially for men since women continue to work at their domestic chores till the end of their lives. They feel neglected and certain natural changes that occur as people grow older, like impulse control, can cause one to be more caustic and censuring than one’s younger self. This combination of factor alienates the older men from the youngsters with whom they come in contact.

   

Women have more triggers to make them crabby,  compared to men but they are used to adjusting right from childhood especially in patriarchal societies so they cope better than men in being even level-headed and stable. They are also conditioned to hide their joys and sorrows from family and society so they do not cause as many ripples as do older men. 

How do you manage a parent or an old friend who is cantankerous? Communicate with them and if you cannot speak to them directly, try using a tactful intermediary. Make an effort identify the reasons (solvable versus unsolvable problems) and speak in the right way (the mode of talking to elders is ingrained in children from childhood in most societies) and try to establish what works in particular situations. Avoid belittling them or confronting them and use humour to defuse a situation where and when possible. If nothing works, don’t take it personally and do not it let it affect you or your behaviour.

To conclude, I would like to quote from Bob’s blog - We have always heard the later years in life referred to as the Golden Years let’s make that a reality. If you are a younger person reading this, please help a parent, older relative or friend start to enjoy their lives more fully.

 

Ref: https://www.knoxseniors.org/its-time-to-defeat-grumpy-old-person-syndrome/