Friday, October 23, 2020

Whatsapp - Wrecker of Relationships ??

 


WhatsApp completed 10 years last year. WhatsApp has grown exponentially since its inception when it first seduced its users by changing the way they communicate – instantaneous exchange of news while being able to talk to each other – and all this at no cost. By 2011 the toddler WhatsApp had a record of 1 billion messages per day propelled by the group chat feature. Today group chat is the most widely used feature on WhatsApp and every user has at least two to three groups on his or her phone today. The irresistible App had its ups and downs but there can be no doubt that this one-to-one chat app service developed by two former employees of Yahoo - Brian Acton and Jan Koum has become everyone’s must-have accessory. 

The Parable of the Mustard Seed is a well-known Buddhist folk tale. Kisa Gotami’s, only son died suddenly. She carried his young body from place to place pleading with people to help her bring him back to life. Their advice was to get an audience with the wise Buddha, who was capable of many miracles. Kisa visited Buddha and begged him to bring her dead son back to life.   

  

                                                    

Buddha understood her grief and suggested that Kisa should collect some mustard seeds from those in her neighbourhood in whose house/family there had never been a death. With those mustard seeds, he assured her that he would be able to concoct a medicine to revive her son back to life. She went back to her village and began asking her neighbours for mustard seeds. Though all were ready to help her by giving the mustard, they expressed their regret since all of them had encountered death and they told her “the living are few but the dead are many”.

 

If Buddha had been alive today, He would have found it easier to say “Find me a family that does not have WhatsApp access and get me mustard seeds from that family”!



Jokes apart, it is a fact of life that almost everyone, from the beggar on the street to the billionaire in the Mansion, has Whatsapp on their phone. “WhatsApp was downloaded 96 million times in February 2020. WhatsApp is available in more than 180 countries and 60 different languages. With 340million users, India is the leader of  the WhatsApp's market”, according to Statistics.

 

Its popularity is because everyone is aware of its advantages and the World literally revolves around it. Many people are aware of its disadvantages – privacy issues, the onslaught of unavoidable messages especially during festivals and special days, misinformation and its addictiveness - there is, however, one major danger that it causes of which very few are really aware of. While it can help to revive and maintain relationships, it can also ruin relationships irrevocably.

 

In the days of snail mail, my father would say that we should be very careful while writing letters because the mood in which you are writing the letter may be the opposite of the mood in which the receiver would be when he is reading it and this may lead to a lot of heartburn and problems. The same principle applies to WhatsApp also. In those days people could delay their reaction and respond when they got out of their foul mood. With WhatsApp, however, the messages are instantaneous and people’s reactions are quicker too.

   

                       

                    

       Senders                                                                                                                Receiver

Imagine a scenario where a subordinate asks for a salary raise or a girl is having doubts about her relationship. He/she may have spent a lot of time in framing the message and after much hesitation, he/she may send it with trepidation (may even have a change of mind and want to cancel it but it is literally out of hand). Now the boss or fiancĂ© who receives it may be in a jovial, sad, angry or despondent mood or may even be busy. It requires a lot of maturity for the receiver of the message, to respond with “Let’s talk about this in person tomorrow”, no matter what the mood. According to his/her mood, he/she may send back a joke, talk about his sorrow, fire back a terse negative reply or not respond at all. This may escalate out of control leading to the souring of a valuable relationship.




                      


    

So it is always advisable to avoid the WhatsApp for professional communication especially of personal nature. Whenever you want to start a serious discussion with anyone, remember that non-verbal cues have a significant role to play in achieving what you want. WhatsApp does not give you that opportunity so avoid it if you want to succeed! 

 

As far as WhatsApp is concerned, it is better to err on the side of caution because the words you send/message, become the house you have to live in!

 

 



 

Friday, October 9, 2020

Gentle Grandmas versus Grumpy Grandpas

“When you are old and grey and full of sleep
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once and of their shadows deep”

 
“You know how calm and tranquil Raghu was and you have said so many times that he is the incarnation of patience and tranquillity. All this changed after he crossed his 70th birthday, the change was very gradual, a bit of impatience, a little more irritation and after the 75th birthday, I noticed a great change in his personality. He has become the “Angry old man” (similar to Amitabh Bacchan in “Kabhi Khushi Khabi Gum” or “Gulabo Sitabo”). His behaviour has changed so much and he is becoming difficult to live with”, sobbed my friend Aparna over the phone. I tried my best to console her because I knew them both and could not believe her. I was quite surprised since the Raghu, I knew seldom lost his temper with either the wife or the children.  I was speaking to another common friend about this and she burst out with her long tale of woe regarding her husband.

I became curious and spoke to several of my friends and realized that “The Angry/Dictatorial/Grumpy/Prejudiced Old Man” was not a singular event but a regular happening in many households. Complaints about older women were also shared but their number was less. The older women in Literature and media are either smiling sweetly with perpetual knitting or crochet in their hands (Mrs Wilson in Dennis the Menace) or crusty crones cackling like witches (Grandma in George’s Marvellous Medicine by Roald Dahl). This is quite different from the grouchy old men portrayed in many Hollywood movies like “Up”, in cartoons (who does not remember Mr Wilson in “Dennis the Menace”), King Lear in Shakespeare’s play and in the novel A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman and so many others. It is now well known that grumpiness during old age is not just a stereotype but a way of life.

A recent survey conducted among 1000 Britons indicated that women and men have equal chances for the top position as a curmudgeon.  I was intrigued about this whole phenomenon of personality change related to old age.  “Irritable male syndrome”, is the term used to describe a rise in the crotchetiness of older men and the term was coined by Carol Wyer, a British author of the interesting book “How not to murder your Grumpy”.


Actually speaking, there is less likelihood of older people being more irritable or unpleasant compared to anyone else. Research indicates that on the whole, their natural inclination is towards contentment and patience due to a factor called the Positivity Effect, which causes older people to forget the bad. Having retired they do not have to contend with dictatorial bosses or run around doing errands for demanding offspring.  Evidence shows that men are better able to manage angst and pressures until the 65th birthday and are usually excited at the start of their superannuation. They have fewer worries to speak of but they tended to feel less euphoric five years later due to their health, memory and loss in their lives. The results of a research project that followed 1,300 men over a period of 15-years showed that on an average when men turn 70, their happiness diminished and they became cross and cranky.  What is behind this grumpiness or grouchiness? There are two major reasons for the crabbiness of older people – physiological and psycho-social changes.

Among the physiological changes, hormonal drop plays a major role in affecting the mood of older people. Testosterone levels decline as men age and this has a deleterious effect on emotional vitality causing anger, depression, irritability, anxiety and feelings of insecurity. In women levels of estrogen as also, prolactin tend to decline and this leads to change in the production of endorphins or the “feel-good” chemicals affecting their emotional well being. There are very many changes in almost all systems of the body from top to toe and very often older persons suffer from a lot of pain. Even simple tasks like dining out; visiting friends or shopping become a chore and a burden to the old people. It becomes irksome because they suddenly have to depend on younger persons, who may with all good intentions still trigger feelings of insecurity.


Psycho socially a feeling sets in that they are no longer useful; this is a serious factor especially for men 
since women continue to work at their domestic chores till the end of their lives. They feel neglected and certain natural changes that occur as people grow older, like impulse control, can cause one to be more caustic and censuring than one’s younger self. This combination of factor alienates the older men from the youngsters with whom they come in contact.


Women have more triggers to make them crabby,  compared to men but they are used to adjusting right from childhood especially in patriarchal societies so they cope better than men in being even level-headed and stable. They are also conditioned to hide their joys and sorrows from family and society so they do not cause as many ripples as do older men. 



How do you manage a parent or an old friend who is cantankerous? Communicate with them and if you cannot speak to them directly, try using a tactful intermediary. Make an effort identify the reasons (solvable versus unsolvable problems) and speak in the right way (the mode of talking to elders is ingrained in children from childhood in most societies) and try to establish what works in particular situations. Avoid belittling them or confronting them and use humour to defuse a situation where and when possible. If nothing works, don’t take it personally and do not it let it affect you or your behaviour.

To conclude, I would like to quote from Bob’s blog - We have always heard the later years in life referred to as the Golden Years let’s make that a reality. If you are a younger person reading this, please help a parent, older relative or friend start to enjoy their lives more fully.

 

Ref: https://www.knoxseniors.org/its-time-to-defeat-grumpy-old-person-syndrome/