Gentle Grandmas versus Grumpy Grandpas

“When you are old and grey and full of sleep

And nodding by the fire, take down this book,

And slowly read, and dream of the soft look

Your eyes had once and of their shadows deep”

― W.B. Yeats, The Collected Poems of W.B. Yeats

 

“You know how calm and tranquil Raghu was and you have said so many times that he is the incarnation of patience and tranquillity. All this changed after he crossed his 70^th birthday, the change was very gradual, a bit of impatience, a little more irritation and after the 75^th birthday, I noticed a great change in his personality. He has become the “Angry old man” (similar to Amitabh Bacchan in “Kabhi Khushi Khabi Gum” or “Gulabo Sitabo”). His behaviour has changed so much and he is becoming difficult to live with”, sobbed my friend Aparna over the phone. I tried my best to console her because I knew them both and could not believe her. I was quite surprised since the Raghu, I knew seldom lost his temper with either the wife or the children.  I was speaking to another common friend about this and she burst out with her long tale of woe regarding her husband.

I became curious and spoke to several of my friends and realized that “The Angry/Dictatorial/Grumpy/Prejudiced Old Man” was not a singular event but a regular happening in many households. Complaints about older women were also shared but their number was less. The older women in Literature and media are either smiling sweetly with perpetual knitting or crochet in their hands (Mrs Wilson in Dennis the Menace) or crusty crones cackling like witches (Grandma in George’s Marvellous Medicine by Roald Dahl). This is quite different from the grouchy old men portrayed in many Hollywood movies like “Up”, in cartoons (who does not remember Mr Wilson in “Dennis the Menace”), King Lear in Shakespeare’s play and in the novel A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman and so many others. It is now well known that grumpiness during old age is not just a stereotype but a way of life.

A recent survey conducted among 1000 Britons indicated that women and men have equal chances for the top position as a curmudgeon.  I was intrigued about this whole phenomenon of personality change related to old age.  “Irritable male syndrome”, is the term used to describe a rise in the crotchetiness of older men and the term was coined by Carol Wyer, a British author of the interesting book “How not to murder your Grumpy”.

Actually speaking, there is less likelihood of older people being more irritable or unpleasant compared to anyone else. Research indicates that on the whole, their natural inclination is towards contentment and patience due to a factor called the Positivity Effect, which causes older people to forget the bad. Having retired they do not have to contend with dictatorial bosses or run around doing errands for demanding offspring.  Evidence shows that men are better able to manage angst and pressures until the 65^th birthday and are usually excited at the start of their superannuation. They have fewer worries to speak of but they tended to feel less euphoric five years later due to their health, memory and loss in their lives. The results of a research project that followed 1,300 men over a period of 15-years showed that on an average when men turn 70, their happiness diminished and they became cross and cranky.  What is behind this grumpiness or grouchiness? There are two major reasons for the crabbiness of older people – physiological and psycho-social changes.

Among the physiological changes, hormonal drop plays a major role in affecting the mood of older people. Testosterone levels decline as men age and this has a deleterious effect on emotional vitality causing anger, depression, irritability, anxiety and feelings of insecurity. In women levels of estrogen as also, prolactin tend to decline and this leads to change in the production of endorphins or the “feel-good” chemicals affecting their emotional well being. There are very many changes in almost all systems of the body from top to toe and very often older persons suffer from a lot of pain. Even simple tasks like dining out; visiting friends or shopping become a chore and a burden to the old people. It becomes irksome because they suddenly have to depend on younger persons, who may with all good intentions still trigger feelings of insecurity.

Psycho socially a feeling sets in that they are no longer useful; this is a serious factor especially for men since women continue to work at their domestic chores till the end of their lives. They feel neglected and certain natural changes that occur as people grow older, like impulse control, can cause one to be more caustic and censuring than one’s younger self. This combination of factor alienates the older men from the youngsters with whom they come in contact.

   

Women have more triggers to make them crabby,  compared to men but they are used to adjusting right from childhood especially in patriarchal societies so they cope better than men in being even level-headed and stable. They are also conditioned to hide their joys and sorrows from family and society so they do not cause as many ripples as do older men. 

How do you manage a parent or an old friend who is cantankerous? Communicate with them and if you cannot speak to them directly, try using a tactful intermediary. Make an effort identify the reasons (solvable versus unsolvable problems) and speak in the right way (the mode of talking to elders is ingrained in children from childhood in most societies) and try to establish what works in particular situations. Avoid belittling them or confronting them and use humour to defuse a situation where and when possible. If nothing works, don’t take it personally and do not it let it affect you or your behaviour.

To conclude, I would like to quote from Bob’s blog - We have always heard the later years in life referred to as the Golden Years let’s make that a reality. If you are a younger person reading this, please help a parent, older relative or friend start to enjoy their lives more fully.

 

Ref: https://www.knoxseniors.org/its-time-to-defeat-grumpy-old-person-syndrome/

Eat to Nourish the Body, not for the Taste!

 When I first came to Delhi in 2016, I asked my daughter’s North Indian cook to make chapatis for dinner. What she served me was thick like leather and was not the chapathi I had visualized. It was thick and was what we call rotis in the South. Later I realized that in the North ‘rotis’ mean ‘phulkas’ and the chapatis I had wanted is actually called parathas in Delhi. A simple recipe consumed all over India, with just a few ingredients - wheat flour, salt, oil and water- assumes different avatars and different names in various parts of India. Just as the Indian pizza is very different from the Italian pizza or the Chinese chowmein is quite a stranger to the chowmein served in Indian restaurants so also every food item in the World incarnates in unusual ways in different parts of the World.

The Indian cuisine is as varied as the World cuisine due to its diversity (from Kashmir to Kanyakumari or Arunachal Pradesh to Gujarat) of geography (soil, climate and crop availability of grains, millets, fruits, vegetables as also the spices and herbs), culture (ethnic groups & occupation) and religion. Within each region, there is again a mind-boggling variety dictated by caste, customs and traditions, e.g. in Tamilnadu, the Chettinad cuisine is quite different from the Brahmin cuisine. In the past when communication and transport were restricted, you could not even dream of eating food from any area other than your immediate neighbourhood. Within the region, every family standardizes the recipes in different ways to suit the requirements of the various members of the family. Very often the cuisine is a blend of the methods followed by the mother and the mother-in-law of the homemaker. Often men mistakenly think it’s a compliment when they tell their wives “Your sambhar/chole is exactly the same as my mother’s”,  little realizing that the statement for some women may be like a red rag waved in front of a bull.   The cooking process also changes from one generation to the other for various reasons. 

An individual’s acceptance depends on the enjoyment he/she derives from the food being eaten. That level of satisfaction will depend upon the ambience of the environment, his/her physiological status (i.e., hunger, thirst, and presence/absence of illness), related factors like a method of serving and others but the most important factor is the prior experience, which will determine his anticipation. If you had eaten jasmine soft idlis when you were younger, then chances are you will want similar idlis later in life.   

The prior experience will depend on personal, cultural, social, religious, economic, environmental, and even political factors, which determines the cuisine that he/she is accustomed to. The Keralites, for example, were not amused when beef was ostracized by the ruling party recently since they have consumed it without taboo from times unknown. The cuisine varies according to various cultures, geographic availability of foods and the customs, traditions, which dictate the ingredients, used as also the methods of cooking. The cuisine is not static but evolves over time assuming different forms at different times and places.

My mother, as well as my mother-in-law, lived with us during the end of their life. Both the ladies were not happy with my cooking though my children and husband had no complaints. My mother-in-law’s complaints I could understand since my cooking (South Indian style but with inputs from Andhra and North Indian cuisine) was quite different from her ways of cooking (typical Chennai non-Brahmin cooking). I could not understand why my mother complained since she had taught me cooking when I was young and it was South Indian cuisine with inputs from North India and some Andhra cuisine. My mother-in-law was not as vociferous as my mother since, by the time she came to my home, she was not mobile. My mother, on the other hand, was quite active and wanted to cook but after one or two instances of her forgetting to switch off the stove, I refused to allow her that freedom so she grumbled endlessly about my cooking till her last day. Now I have reached their stage of life and stay with my daughter. I have the same complaints about cooking in my daughter’s house that those two ladies had with me in my house. I am usually very adaptable (even if I say so) having lived in various hostels during the course of my studies so as a Nutritionist, I wanted to know why?

Several studies do point to the fact that Physiological, Psychological and sociological changes due to ageing, affect food acceptance and habits of elderly people. The physiological factors include a change in dentition, hearing, smell and taste apart from general health and changes in gastrointestinal system. Quite apart from this, Edfors and Albert Westergren (2012) reported the following feedback from the geriatric subjects they studied – “food for us, elderly people is probably supposed to be cooked with care, but it happens that some food is not properly cooked; Now that I have reached this age, I should be allowed to… have things I like, and not… food that makes me think: ‘Ugh, what is that, that’s no good’.” 

Most old people describe a longing for appetizing meals and often they long for the traditional foods that they were accustomed to during their younger days. Another factor that needs to be considered is that in most cases the older ladies have always been gatekeepers of what the family eats and enjoyed the role. However, as they age and cannot cook, they feel the control slipping away. They are unable to do the little tricks they used to make the food more attractive and appetizing – my mother always added a dollop of ghee to the upma she made, to make it smell fragrant and non-sticky. Others may not be able to control the dollop size the way she could. As was said earlier, every individual adds his/her own spell to the recipe which makes it unique. There are certain recipes which they ate when they were younger but the recipe is not known to the younger generation or cannot be prepared. My mother-in-law wanted to have “Dried fish curry” but living in a Brahmin neighbourhood, I could not oblige her until a colleague very kindly got it made by her mother at her house. And in the modern world, where many career women depend upon paid help or take away food from restaurants, it is not easy to satisfy the taste buds of older people. Men especially can become very vociferous because they have always been pampered by their wives, who tried their best to imply, "your every word is my command”.

There is no easy solution to this problem. It will do a world of good to remember that the human tongue is only 3-3.5 inches. Once the food crosses the tongue and enters the oesophagus, all food is the same – a blend of nutrients to keep the body healthy. Eat to nourish the body and not for the taste!